The title of this post isn’t a reference to my age. I’m not that old yet. It is, however, a reference to my shrinking waistline. Having lost over 60 pounds, I’ve gone from wearing 44 inch jeans down to wearing 38 inch jeans (almost). I found some pants on sale the other day and since it was a really good price, I tried on a pair of 38 inch jeans just to see if they’d fit. Much to my surprise, they did. They were a bit tight but I was able to wear them and not feel like I was kidding myself. Needless to say, they came home with me.
I’ll probably hold off on wearing them in public for a few more weeks out of consideration for the welfare and well-being of my fellow humans but it felt good to see myself going down another size again. I mentioned on my Facebook status that I had just bought a pair of 38 inch jeans for the first time this century and a friend of mine was kind enough to point out that I should have said millennium. Isn’t it nice to have friends who help you keep things in perspective? All kidding aside, it feels weird to have gotten to a goal that I had set for myself such a long time ago. I knew that I’d probably be back to a 38 inch waist once I had lost 80 pounds so I’ve had this number in the back of my mind for a while now. I hadn’t really mentioned it because I feel that it is more important to focus on the journey where I am rather than on the destination as this leads to an improper perspective on things and can actually do more harm than good. Now that I’m here and the destination is where I’m actually at, I don’t feel the way that I imagined I would about it.
Back when I weighed 330 pounds and I was wearing jeans that had a 44 inch waist and a belt that was 50 inches in diameter, it seemed like reducing my waistline by half a foot in diameter was never going to happen. I might as well have set a goal to grow feathers and start flying. I guess it’s a good thing that I decided to go for the waistline changes as I imagine getting flight feathers has to itch quite a bit. I’m extremely happy to be here now and this is such a wonderful place to be but I’m already looking ahead some more. I still have about 20 pounds to lose before I hit the 80 pound mark so does that mean I’ll actually be at a 36 inch waist? What happens as I continue to lose weight beyond the 250 pound goal I’ve set for myself? Will I get down to a 34 inch waist? That will be 10 inches off of my waistline.
This is the nature of our reality. We are always looking ahead and thinking about the next thing. The focus of Buddhist practice is to just be aware of the present moment instead of being focused on the past or the future. In fact, Buddhism would encourage me to not even have goals to achieve or work for as they will only cause attachments and (even if they are “good” goals) suffering. I’m seeing for myself just how true that is. If I would have been more focused and attached to getting to a 38 inch waist, I would be upset because I don’t feel the way I imagined I would. If I had really felt that “once I get to a 38 inch waist I’ll be happy” I’d have been in a much worse place than where I started off. Yes, I’m wearing a pair of jeans that have a 38 inch waist and I’ll be able to expand my collection of jeans with more 38 inch jeans in the next month or two but I’m still far from being at a “healthy” weight. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy to be where I am right now, but I’ve been thinking a lot about attachments lately so this is how I’m thinking about this milestone. Living in the future is anxiety and living in the past is depression and both of these are types of suffering. So, I’ve been learning to be present in the present and be fully involved in where I am today, this hour, this minute, this second. Today, I’m able to wear jeans that have a 38 inch waist! I used to wear jeans that were a 44 inch waist! In the future, I will be able to wear jeans of an even smaller size! See how that works? Because I’m being fully grounded in today I’m able to have the same relation to the future and the past that I have to the present. Being fully integrated in the present moment means that fears and regrets diminish the same way my waist has.
Wherever you find yourself today, spend some time thinking about how great it is to be where you are right now. Celebrate the fact that you are where you are. Don’t think about where you want to be, don’t long for or loathe where you came from. If you don’t have a toothache right now, be happy that your teeth don’t hurt. If you don’t have a broken bone, be glad that you don’t have a cast on. If you are reading your favorite blog, be happy that there is a new post two days in a row (and thanks for considering this your favorite blog). There are so many things that make this present moment good for us to waste our time on how it could be different. If you really feel so miserable that you can’t think of any good thing at all with the moment you’re in right now, be thankful that not everyone feels that way. Regardless of how you feel, spend some time in introspection and work on seeing things as they really are without allowing your wants or regrets or fears or desires to cloud your perception of them. You’ll find that it’s not as easy as you’d think and you’ll find that it can be more rewarding than you’d imagine it could be.
dharma loss 