Posts Tagged ‘humor’

This evening I climbed the two flights of stairs to my third floor apartment as I do on a daily basis. Since I’ve gotten in shape, the climb is a simple matter that doesn’t bother me in the least. Once upon a time, I would have arrived at the top wheezing and gasping for air, wondering if my knees would ever be the same. However, that was fifty pounds ago, long before I became a not-quite-lean, mean, exercising machine. The climb up the stairs is no worse for me than the walk from my bedroom to my bathroom: short and sweet.

The event that caused tonight’s climb to fall way off the edge of the bell curve happened eight hours before, when I got dressed. I’d gone to the gym, had a conference call with a group from IBM, then rushed to get ready to spend the rest of the day with my kids. I saw the shorts, clean and folded, sitting in the drawer and I thought to myself, “I haven’t worn these in a while, I should put them on.” So I did. I ran down the steps, out the door and had a great day hanging out with the kids. The only sign of trouble was an occasional need to tug on my shorts, even though they were the ones that used to fit me so well. Used to. Don’t get ahead of me here, but I think we all see where this is heading. Just be patient.

Flash forward to a drive through construction clogged highways followed by some sort of police action in the block next to mine tying up traffic and you end up with a tired and somewhat frustrated person who just wants to get home. When I finally arrived at my apartment, I grabbed a handful of things I needed to bring in from the car. I also stopped at our other vehicle to get some things my girlfriend asked me to bring up because she couldn’t grab them when she got home. With hands just empty enough to hold my keys, I unlocked the door, shoved my keys in my pocket and began to climb up the stairs. Wait for it.

The first flight was uneventful. There was some slippage of the shorts, weighed down by keys, wallet, cellphone and the tug of gravity as each step jolted them around my now-more-than-ever-diminutive hips, but I was okay. I managed to hold them steady by jamming my left wrist tightly against the waistband. Then came the first turn and the hallway on the second floor. That’s where things really went wrong. That’s when I should have put things down and addressed The Problem. But, I felt tired and rushed so I kept going. This is called foreshadowing.

Halfway up the second flight of stairs, my old nemesis, gravity, finally gained the upper hand. With my arms full of bags and papers and things, I lost my balance and had to put my arm out against the wall to steady myself. Seizing its brief moment of opportunity, my shorts broke free of their bonds and dropped three feet toward the center of the Earth. Now, I’m halfway up a flight of stairs, my arms full and my shorts hanging around my knees. With nowhere to go, and nothing better to do, I put on a brave face and slowly and carefully made my way up the steps, around the last turn to finally place my belongings on the landing in order to clutch at my wayward clothing and yank it into submission.

It was with a great sense of relief that I finally opened my door and put things away, laughing at myself all the while. Losing fifty pounds is an accomplishment to be celebrated. Sometimes, though, these things come with a downside. A pants down side, in this case, but it’s an inconvenience nonetheless. Now, I sit here, my ego in check and my pride diminished, but I’m thankful. Thankful I’ve gotten to a place where this is a problem and thankful that no one came into the hallway. By the way, does anyone want a pair of denim shorts? They’re in great shape and they’re free to a good home.

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I guess we know the answer to that koan afer all.

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A Zen Proverb

My Zen Center recently posted this on their facebook page.

Once a student went to the Zen Master and said, “My meditation is horrible!! I feel so distracted…. my legs hurt… sometimes I fall asleep. It is just horrible!!”

The teacher replied, “Don’t worry, it will pass.”

A week later, the student came back to his teacher and said, “My mediation is wonderful!! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive. It is just wonderful!!”

The master replied, “Don’t worry, it will pass.”


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There’s a Bear in my Bed!

One of the many down sides of being overweight is sleep apnea. Each night, I have to put on a face mask and have pressurized air blown into my nose to ensure that I don’t stop breathing while I sleep. Tonight, as I get ready to go to bed, I find this waiting for me. My daughter has put a bear to sleep in my bed and, since the CPAP mask is what you wear if you’re sleeping in my room, she has hooked it up to Mr. Humphrey. And, to make sure he’s comfortable, there’s a friend to keep a close eye on him while he sleeps. My kids have the weirdest sense of humor. I wonder where they get it from?


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Dirty Words

I’ve been a little behind in keeping up with the news lately and was shocked to learn that according to the Florida legislature “uterus” is a dirty word. I know that female anatomy is often a problem for a vast number of conservative lawmakers so I thought I would do my part by providing a list of other words that might be unacceptable to use in polite conversation or the floor of the Florida House of Representatives. Warning: children should not, under any circumstances be allowed to view this list as it may bruise their tender little minds beyond repair.

  • fallopian tube
  • perineum
  • menses
  • mucus
  • ovary
  • cilia
  • alveolus (bonus points if you know this one without having to look it up: if you can’t, check urban dictionary; it’s a bastion of filth)
  • labia
  • uvula
  • retina
  • aureola
  • pubic
  • colon (this one’s extra dirty)
  • abdomen
  • lumbar
  • spleen (I feel dirty just typing that one)
  • patella

Hopefully I haven’t harmed anyone by using all of these horrible words that one can find in any anatomy book. However, in the off-chance I did, I would advise you to avoid any standard book of anatomy and physiology: it’ll melt your eyes right out of their sockets (sorry for using the naughty words “eyes” and “sockets” back there) (oops I just used them again).

In case you’re wondering, I did a little research and did find an illustration that the Florida legislature approved for use in school textbooks in case a child should ever need to learn anything about health and anatomy.

As a further public service, I would like to refer any female readers of this blog to incorporatemyuterus.com for more information on what can be done to combat those who would like to pass laws barring access to quality reproductive health care.

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Where Am I?

This made me laugh and I thought I’d share. It’s from xkcd.com. Click for full sized version.

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The Laugh of the Day

If you a drink in your mouth, please swallow it before reading the following comic. Don’t do what I did and shoot coffee over your desk. You have been warned.

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