As I’ve been sitting, I’ve been trying to remain non-judgmental about whatever thoughts pop into my mind. When I first started meditation, I felt like my mind was a hummingbird that was constantly flying around without rhyme or reason. My thoughts don’t race around as much now as they used and for short periods of time I’m able to achieve nothing but concentration on my breathing and my focus. The big difference is that now, when my mind starts to wander, I acknowledge the thought and am aware of it and I allow it to leave without entertaining it. This is called mindfulness of the mind in mind by Thich Nhat Hanh. Within the Kwam Um school of Zen that I am a part of, sitting like this is called “strong sitting”.
Strong sitting is a way of being aware of the mind and its workings but not being attached to thinking. When I worried about my thinking and tried to eliminate it and got frustrated with myself, I was being attached to my mind and was attached to the thought of being able to keep a clear mind permanently while sitting. However, I have been reminded time and time again that nothing is permanent and that even in my sitting, my clear mind is impermanent. My attachment to my mind and thinking was causing me to miss out on the bigger picture of why I sit. The reason is simple: we sit to sit. There is no such thing as “good sitting” or “bad sitting”. It simply is. When one goes into a meditation session, one should go in without a preconceived notion about what to get out of it. Meditation is simply a way to be mindful of the moment in the moment. It is an opportunity to be mindful of the breath, mindful of the mind, mindful of the objects of the mind and mindful of your surroundings.
All this mindfulness is accompanied without judgement. When a wholesome thought comes into my head, I try to acknowledge that I have just had a wholesome thought. When an unwholesome thought arises, I acknowledge that I have just had an unwholesome thought. With enough practice I’m sure that I will continue to be able to let go of my attachment to my thinking. It’s the biggest challenge that I have when meditating. However, just like with my weight, I’m noticing improvements and positive changes. I will continue to practice strong sitting both at home and in Sangha and I will not judge my results.
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