Archive for February 2nd, 2011

OK, here’s the deal. I’ve been struggling with some writer’s block lately. I can start a post but I’m having a hard time finishing them. My draft posts folder has eight (EIGHT) posts in it right now.

I’ve also not been able to sit in meditation or go to the gym for over 2 weeks because of the injuries I sustained while snowboarding. This caused my weight to go up a few pounds and my mental state to be less than optimal. When you add in the stress of a high priority project for work, January has really sucked for me in the realm of health.

That’s why I’m pissed. I can’t go back to the way I was. I won’t do that to myself, my family or my friends. I’ve worked too damned hard over the last seven months to mess it up now. I’m just glad I’m (mostly) no longer in pain. Tomorrow I go back the gym for the first time in a few weeks and we’ll see how my knees can handle it.

Once upon a time I would’ve felt defeated. That would lead to spiraling out of control then to huge weight gain. I’ve been depressed this month but now I know how to deal with it so I haven’t had a huge gain: only 4 pounds. No one ever said what I was doing would be easy and I don’t even know how I’ve come this far myself. What I do know is I’m not going back.

One of my favorite moments in the Simpsons is when Dr. Nick Riviera get paged by the coroner and proclaims, “Oh, I hate that guy!” Lately I’ve feel like my old body is paging me. I hate that guy.

That guy was fat and depressed and angry and suicidal at times. That guy was trapped in a cage of his own making. That guy didn’t have hope. That guy didn’t understand the importance of mindfulness and right living. I’M NOT THAT GUY ANYMORE! I WILL NOT BE THAT GUY ANYMORE. I really hated being that guy.
Instead of spiraling out of control, I’m channeling my anger toward my goal of being healthy. I’m no longer mad at myself for what I did or did not do. No, this time I’m being driven by the rage I feel as I think about what I could become again.

I’m trying to process my anger in as healthy a way as possible instead of denying it or suppressing it. Giving my anger a channel and harnessing it for good is the best I can do. One thing I’ve done is to prepare myself for when I hoped to be recovered enough to get back into my routine.

1. I set a date for getting to the gym. February 1st. That’s today.
2. I set a short-term goal for loss: 265 lbs. That’s less than ten pounds and lower than I’ve been yet.
3. I made a meditation bench. I’m not sure if I’ll need it to assist my knees but building it gave me a way to focus on the goal.
4. I have renewed my commitment to mindfulness and mindful healthy living. No more mindfully eating a bag of potato chips (but they’re vegetarian!).
5. I am trying to write every day though I may not post every day. The reality is I’m a bit too busy to do that so I’ll do what I can when I can.

It’s 5:30 A.M. and that means it’s time for me to hit the gym.

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