Today I was reading Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind and came across the following passage about pure sitting.
When you are involved in some dualistic idea [by getting caught up in sitting and being proud of our actions or expecting something from sitting], it means your practice is not pure. By purity we do not mean to polish something, trying to make some impure thing pure. By purity we just mean things as they are. When something is added, that is impure. When something becomes dualistic, that is not pure. If you think you will get something from practicing zazen, already you are involved in impure practice [Emphasis mine]. It is all right to say there is practice, and there is enlightenment, but we should not be caught by the statement. You should not be tainted by it. When you practice zazen, just practice zazen. If enlightenment comes, it just comes. We should not attach to the attainment. The true quality of zazen is always there, even if you are not aware of it, so forget all about what you think you may have gained from it. Just do it. The quality of zazen will express itself; then you will have it.
I have read this passage about 10-15 times today. It is a challenge to me because I’m having to ask myself why I really sit. When I began to think about Buddhism, it was because I found in it a real answer to the problem of suffering. Buddhism offered me hope to escape from my weight. I have been going to a Zen center every week now for almost two months. I’ve been sitting on my own almost every day. At this point, I’m up to 20 minutes of sitting at a time without significant discomfort. In fact, I’m even seeing my mind calming down and relaxing into the awareness of my breath. In short, I’m doing it and I’m getting better at it. However, this still doesn’t answer the question as to why I do it. Am I practicing Buddhism because I want to lose weight? That doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to me. If I come into a zazen session expecting to get something out of it (weight loss) then I’m not going to have pure zazen. I will attach to the desired effect and this will lead to suffering or dissatisfaction with my sitting because I may not have the results I want. That is the danger for me: that I will allow my desire to restore a healthy lifestyle to become an attachment and cloud my vision and my understanding.
Did I begin to practice Buddhism just to get rid of my suffering? That seems to me like a selfish motivation to do something. Honestly, there was a selfish component involved. However, I’m happy to see that I realized that and dealt with it quickly. No, the reason that I am practicing is to end suffering in every sentient creature. The development of bodhicitta mind is why I am practicing. When I sit in zazen, I have been learning to just sit. Come with an empty mind free of expectations. That is what I am trying to do every day. I sit because that is what I do. I sit because it is all I need to do. Sitting, breathing, clear mind, don’t know, just try, don’t know. As we say in Sangha every week at the beginning of our session, “Sentient beings are numberless, we vow to save them all”. When I sit, I simply sit. This way, I become Buddha for a few moments, a few minutes. Sitting without preconception and without goal opens up the universe and through breathing we become one with it. Enlightenment is nothing special. It just is. If it happens, it happens. If I end my suffering, I end my suffering. If I sit, I sit. If I don’t sit, I don’t sit. No good, no bad, no positive, no negative, just try, just sit. Why does grass grow? Why does rain fall? Why do I sit? It just is.
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